Hooligans poem

My life ruined by the polystyrene balls that cradle me in my amazon box,  Taped up as to stop me seeing the real world, Tape is easy peelings for when they want to abuse me, Industrial staples shotgunned into my box, Pain I feel, Pain and noise, Packaging peanut allergy tightens my throat up, Cannot speak, Grey is the colour, Beige is the colour I see, Wrapped in plastic, Suffocating, Vacuum packed, Sucking it all out of me, All of it, My life, All these rules, All these labels, This way up,  Fragile, Flammable, Bubble wrap of more interest than me, A product of your spending spree, Only picked cuz, Next day delivery, Sat next to bottles of piss, Thrown around, Up and down, Hot, Sweaty, Im the sex toy you don't ask consent too and fuck, fuck, fuck,  Or The one time down there pube hair shaver, Or the rope you use to kill yourself cuz hell I make you so deppressed, Maybe I'm the book about maths or Philosophy, the Royal family, some boring shit like that, Whatever it is I...

Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me I'm diying I'm diying  I'm diying  I'm rotting away  I'm a corpse Being dragged into a coffin  I'm a skeletal creature  I'm a hater of humanity  A hater of humanity  I'm the devil's preacher  I'm a nihilistic teacher  I'm a screacher  A rape alarm gone off, A survival whistle blown, A dog groan A ghostly figure moan, Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me  Can anyone hear me I'm diying I'm diying  I'm diying  I'm ashes  A blown out fire  Dire emergency patient  Wired to delusional beliefs  They lay weaths out for me like im already dead, Like im so messed up in the head they can't save me,

If I could hit my head, Over, And over, And over, And over again, Like in a washing machine, It goes bumpity, Bumpity, Bump, Washing away the pain that's in my mind with less powerful pain in my bleeding head, A blood filled tide pod fills my head with the fresh scent of blood,  Blood that oozes out Blood that seeps in to my surrounding skin, As satisfying to watch as the bubbles bouncing round and round, Dreams of having a hammer right here with me, Thump, Thump, It will go on my skin, Knocking through the walls of my skull, To the gothic interior within, Knocking the glass of the light bulb, So I can sleep tonight, If I could hit my head, Over, And over, And over, And over, And over, And over again, Knocking the dark thoughts out of my mind, Bleaching my brain from dark to light, Like a washing machine, Like a hammer, Hitting my mind simply allows it to shatter

My tender skin tears itself, My tender skin rips open, My tender heart collapses, My tender heart sinks down, My tender brain disintegrates, My tender brain disintegrates, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost myself, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost my worth, I'm a goner that's what I am, I'm a goner that's what I'll forever be My tender lungs shrink away, My tender lungs implode My tender bones go to jelly, My tender bones crack apart, My tender eyes they retract from their sockets and my lips they glue together, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost myself, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost my worth I'm a tender man, I cant man up, oh I'm a tender woman, I'm all skin and bo-o-o-ones We our tender people, With angry dad's, With fake role models, Influencers, And friends, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost myself, Ive lost my head now, Ive lost my worth, Ive lost my head now

My skin bound to my insecurities, Moulding itself into ugliness, Foreshadowing the anxieties I'll face when I walk out the door today, A gentle reminder that I'm never safe from my own mind, How I want to ply my skin open and pull out the strand that strangles my positivity, My eyes dry from crying, My eyes red from stress, My eyes just want to close, But closing down drowns what's left of me that sees some hope in this dust bin of a world So I take my tablets, I take my tablets and I carry on.

Damage me, Haunt me, Kill me, Taunt me, Inject me with cyonide, Ply me open, Cut me up into little chunks, Poke a spear right through me, Tie a knot around my neck, Drown me, Oh drown me, Rip me to shreds, Rip me to fucking shreds, Set me alight, Blow me up with dynamite, I'm a ragdoll in your fight, I'm a ragdoll, Suffocate me, Wrap plastic round my head, Round my head, Round and round and round, Throw me down, Off a cliff, Off a bridge, Coffin, Put me in a coffin, Bury me alive, Bury me in suicide, Tazer, Lazer, Grazer, Graze on me, Mow me down, The blade turning round and round, Against my skull, Shut the blinds on my mind, On my eyes, Bullet through my brain, Dagger through my heart,

Cannot be arsed with life  Cannot be arsed with happiness  Cannot be arsed wirh anger  Cannot be arsed with sadness  Fuck stress  Fuck this mess Fuck it all  Fuck everything  Fuck the fucking face of your head  Fuck you  Fucking dead  Fuck off Fuck off I said  Filling me with dread  Agitation  Aggression  Address me by my fucking name  Putting shame on the world  You shameful spiteful human being

So they've gone, They've dissapeared, They don't want to know you anymore, Don't wanna see you anymore  Be with you anymore  Hear you, Smell you anymore They were the nicest, greatest, most beautiful thing, They were a friend, A good friend, They can relate, Relate to the pain, Deppression and shame, The charisma, comedic preferences and the want, the need, They did listen, They did advise  Or atleast give positive attention, Suppress my imperfections, Liked me for who I was, For who I was meant to be, For who we were meant to be, Friends, But now they're the worst thing, Because now they've gone despite knowing everything, Despite being everything, Despite leaving an everlasting imprint on my mind, I want to explore, Know more, Fix things, Break things, Make things, Take things, All the things, With them because they our a friend who I want to keep, They're imprint is so, so deep, That chance has gone, The one about fixing things, They weren't intereste...

What have I done, Honestly, What have I done, Honestly, What have I done, Literally, What the fuck have I done, You follow literally everyone other than me, It's like I'm a crusty bogey hiding in your nose and everyone else you've blew out already, Like fuck, I never talked to you or talked about you or said anything about you, But God you never talked to me, And God you never tried, And God you always looked unapproachable, Like you'd murder me if I said hello, Well once I posted about how I was the only person in my lecture, And yes you were the only other one enrolled onto that optional module, But never was it my intention at aiming the post at you, And you were weird before that too, And yes I know your autistic and I'm autistic too and maybe you don't know that about me, And me and you maybe suffer from anxieties and a fuck load of ptsd from being different, But my feeling is, If you can follow the most ignorant and egotistical of students on Instagram the...

Wit, Apparently I don't have it, My words aren't clever, My words aren't clever to the standards that only an egotistical champagne socialist, Waitrose, Radio 4 listener cradled in a basket of 1900s culture through the lens of a middle class human, Would find humorous, You know, The human who is clever yet their understanding of the difference between stupidity and ability is beyond them, A human who lectures you on the subjectivity of the arts but then goes on to spread her preference for wit, Who creates the ideation that art Based on trauma and negativity isn't clever but who laughs along with a comedian who doesn't understand the facts surrounding non binary people and who makes fun of it as another fad that us stupid youngsters our into right now, The sort of human that at my age rather than expressing individuality instead changed her name to fit in with the poshos whom she surrounded herself with, The sort of human that watches Shakespeare but doesn't see...

They're too good for me, They're too clever for me, They're too rich for me, They're too creative for me, They're too skilled for me, They're too old for me, They're too sociable for me, They're too happy for me, They're too pretty for me, They're too fun for me, They're too  popular for me, They're too successful for me, They're too scary for me, But that's not  why I'm not friends with them, Im not friends with them because they're annoying and have some form of superiority complex, 

One day I'll move out and, One day you won't have any bullying to do, And on that day you'll torment nobody, And when that day comes you'll understand, You'll understand what it's like to feel like nobody is there with you, Like nobody understands what's going on between you and her, Cuz One day I'll move out and you won't be able to zap your alien zappy zap abuse at me, Cuz One day you won't control everyone around you to make me feel alone, Cuz One day you won't be there for them, And one day you won't be there for anyone, And on that day there will be no manipulation, And when that day comes I won't think my food is poisoned, And when that day comes you won't be eating all the cake I've brought to share to feel like a part of the family, And when that day comes I'll have a bigger family around me, And we'll share the cake equally, And equally we'll work, And equally we'll love, And I will be happier, And I w...

My name is Sarah and I have bank pain and there it hurts, My name is Sarah and I have bank pain and there it hurts, My name is Sarah and u have bank pain and there it hurts,  Etch-a-aketch a engravements of rose thorns, Superficial hydrocortisone, Tartar sauce, Deep heat rub  Sarah is in pain porn, Tacky wacky wacko, One pound ninety nine, Emergency fredo, Seeking relationship with clyroplactor, Medication didn't do the job so sacked her, My bones imprinted with hyrogliphics, Anarchaic tapestry, Pain becomes my norm,

My name is John, And I hate you, Your so bloody annoying, Why can't you just stop, You go on and on, And then, Ping,  Your like an alarm clock, You go on and on , And then, Why can't you just stop, Your like an ensemble of broken instruments, Just playing and playing, Not aware of the fingers I have in my ears, Everywhere I go your there, Your that constant jump scare, And your irrelevance to me is so inflated with every funny face you pull at me, Your like a maze with no exit, Like an addiction, Like the air, Your just there, And you won't shut up, Shut down, Go home, Sleep, Take a break, Please just take a break, Your like politics and war, Your like the climate disaster, Like gofundme, Like sign this petition, Like you, Your orbiting around me, Your dragging me along, Your in my phone, Your at my pub, Your at the public toilets when I go for a wee, Your Name,  Your Name is in my brain constantly, Your like a stalker but you don't even realise your stalking me, Like y...

Gay, Slay, Beaten up by a bag of clay, By a far right artisan Potter, Hate, Crime, Police committing it, Moulded into art by a far right artisan Potter, Coppa, On the hunt for a reform voter who stole from Tesco cuz she has no money cuz her buisness closed down, She was drowned by the tories, She was then drowned by Labour too, And the DWP, And LBC, And channel 4 news, But GB news and the reform poos manipulated her to think they were on her side, Gay, Slay, Climate change protestor who's parents our rich protest, Climate protectors who can financially cope with red flag fake offences that the police make up on the spot to clear them from the road, The road where a racist cab driver is losing money cuz he's blocked by the protestors, Where an auditor is stood filming the police to get a reaction, Framing it as human rights activism, Referring to the death of George Floyd, The police stressed cuz they our being filmed abusing their powers,  Arrest a gay man for putting super glu...

Porn is a body pawnbrokers, For loners like me to voyeuristically gaze at once in a while, The boys at school educated me in all I needed to know about the subject, When I finished my GCSES I also had a PhD in all you need to know about it, I'd seen thousands of fake tits but never a real one, I'd seen millions of big disks but never a normal sized one, A PhD in addiction and how to overcome it and I wasn't even yet an adult, Hadn't taken drugs, Hadn't gambled, Hadn't smoked a cigarette, It was a way to combat boredom, Deppression, Anxiety and stress, Emotions, Loneliness, It was a way to explore, But it was confusing, It was convincing of things I wasn't and was, It was scary, It was shocking, It was abuse, Some used it as a tool for Misogyny, transphobia and as a way to humiliate others, Some used it to prove how much of a man they were, They watched girl on girl, They never watched a porn video with a dick in it, And because of th...

This is the mental crisis chair, It's cold, It's brittle, It's hard, It's shit, This is the mental crisis chair, Heavy so I cant throw it, This is the mental crisis chair, Restraining my comfort, This is the mental crisis chair, It's cold, It's brittle, It's hard, It's shit, This is the mental crisis chair, Moulded with layers and layers of trauma, Scarred with blood and tears, This is the mental crisis chair, And this is where it sits 

Fuck the police, Fuck em all, Fuck a tin of sardines, Fuck em in the anal hole, Salty juices, Satellite TV babestation late night pornos, Building a dildo out of legos, Wet ripping sweatshop clothes, Role playing a criminal, Role playing a criminal, Beating me for no apparent reason, Handcuffs digging in my wrists, Nigella Lawson on the radio at control, Tazering the hell, hell outa me, Heart beats fast, Interrogation, Torture, Interrogation, Locked up in a custody suite, Strip searched, Squatting, Cock ring donuts, Groaning, Moaning, PCSO sex slave, Behave, Behave, Oh Build me a fucking grave. 

You go on and on and on about how good you our, But does anyone actually know you for how bad you are, Like how unhumble you are, Like how your a copy and paste of another man, You love rejecting people, You believe your the best, You fit into this bubble of Like minded narcissists, Your cliquey and creepy and, and its creepy how self promoting you are, I don't care if your a scholar, or have more friends, or your rich, or you have a better job, well actually I do care and it drives me round the bend, is it cuz I'm a bendar is that why you don't like me? Cuz I'm mad, Cuz I'm mad, Is that it?  Is it Cuz I don't toot my own horn, Don't show myself off like a fucking rich tory would, Don't want the attention, Don't get the attention, Am a burden, Burden, I am quiet and you don't bother, You don't bother finding out about me, You don't know my political views, My identity, My soul, My life, You don't know who I am and what I do, What I b...

Hurt, Pain, Shame, Am I insane, Labelled with stigma, This enigma of social etiquette, No, I just want to stay at home with my pets, in a shed,  In a forest, Far away from you all, Mute, Loud, Mute, Loud, Anxiety, My brain like an old computer, Can't handle the new complex voices, Overloaded, Shut down, Dead, Can I please just be on my own, Acclimatising into this firghtning weird ass world takes months and months and then, Ping, Pong, Ding, Dong, Its Change, Too many people in this world, So different to me, Am I a misfit, Weirdo, Misfit, Freak, Reaching the peak of my mental instability, Kidnapped of my self expression, Identity, Fake, Identity, Fake, Mould, Stains, Grow on me as people hurt me, Lost amongst abusers  Lost amongst crowds, Lost amongst myself, Genius, Idiot, Genius, Big ego, Snob, Secretly insecure, Secretly suffocating, Falling and rising, Failing and winning, Spinning, Spinning, Spinning, Unemployed, Nothing for me, Nothing for us, This, That, The other, Psy...

People don't talk to me because, I become all involved, Because my anxieties and worries about losing their friendship makes me latch on to them like a fly in there Web, Because I'm overwhelmed with neurodivergent love and friendship, Because people our special to me, Because I'm this walking self harm trigger warning, A walking psych ward, Because I draw faces in tangerines and talk to them, Because I draw, Because I'm an attention seeker, A burden, An emotional burden, Cuz I'm a criminal, Cuz I'm dangerous, Cuz I'm pathetic and sacrilegious, Cuz I'm different, Cuz I'm weird, Cuz I'm boring, Talentless,

They say shugar helps the medicine go down but shugar costs a bunch, Rich people get to douse their medicine in hard shugar lumps, The home economics teacher masturbated to Jamie Oliver campaigning to end unhealthy eating, Whilst the fat kid who's mum fed him microplastics and startch took a beating for eating the only food she could afford, You see despite how katie hopkins plays it he wasn't a fat-addict, He was living off the grub made by billionairs with harsh tactics to stuff kids full of addictive substances for as cheap as possible, He was living off cancer making, overprocessed, brain killing, bad stuff  because it's all that was there where he lived, They replaced his local cafe with a MaccieDs, Felled all the trees he used to climb in his local park, Replaced them with doggers, needles, sanitary towels and lard, Guarding the football net was his hobby but he got chucked off the team for turning up too many times without his football kit, He lost his wit too when ...

Liz Kend-all you care about is filling the pockets of the rich, You lie about people on PIP, Making out we our a bunch of lazy bitches abusing the system, But the system is what is abusing us with neglect and torment, But Liz your the dwp hero  you stitch the system with a workforce of wheelchair bound underpaid slaves to reach your net zero target, We can work for the rich and powerful but we will need help when we pee though, No, Not all of us find work inaccessible, Disability is an umbrella surrounding everyone who's an amputee or has a life altering disease or mentally insane or disordered in some other way, It's a protected charectarisric, A minority, A minority that deserves equality, But at the moment jobs aren't equal to you and I and neither is the welfare system, Liz I'm autistic and I also have mental health conditions, My mental illness wouldn't be here if it weren't for how disabling our world is towards autistic people, They wouldn't be so sev...

Why  Am I  Always  Part Of  The  Problem  When  All I  Do  Is  Suffer  And  Stand  Against  Everyone  Else's  Exclusionary  Harmful Immoral Actions. 

I love people, But do people love me, Sometimes it feels like it's the latter, Like they stand for themselves and them only, The way they push past me and walk past me like im a lamppost in a street, The way they invest in stocks not humanity, The way they hold my hand not to show connection but to control me, Do people even love themselves though, Do they know what it feels like to kiss their own palm, To hold their own hands, To sink into their own joy, Me I love my duvet, I hug it as I sleep, It keeps me warm and it doesn't laugh at me, Me I try to love all people, But some murder others for the fun of it, And some don't like me, The world would be a better place if we loved each other, But we our incapable of respecting each other's opinions and just letting things be,