Deppression with a dose of OCD

 It is a hand which pushes me down, 
down deep into a grave
But I am a stronger force that can push it away, 
or atleast slow down the time that it pushes me down for

The hand comes back every night and every day,
 to push me through hell and so I pray to Jesus Christ to stop me falling down,
but it's not there, 
nobodies there, 
nobodies at the other side to lock the gates to stop me going in, 
nobodies there to stop me falling down the hole which is hell, 
but they are there to close it once I've fallen in, 
They our there to give me that little push,
they our there to lock me up and never let me out, 
they our there with all the strength they can possibly find to apply more and more hands to the original hand of it,

Monsters and men dressed in black come out to play with me,
 to give me flashbacks no human is meant to see, 
to weigh me down in sweaty bed,
 make me scrape a knife down my leg or to stab it in my head

The monsters want me to rip my brain out, because my brain shouldn't be there, 
the monsters want it to be neglected even more than it already has been

Meanwhile the men dressed in black our following me, 
they our gonna kill my friends and family, they our gonna steal from me,
 kidnap me,
 kill me, 
Inject me or the people I love with a deadly disease 

And here our the people I know and love,
but now they our in hell with me, 
they our selfish and mean and ignore me, they our annoying and I want them to go away but at the same time I want them to stay, 
when I wasn't in hell they were so nice, they were the most beautiful kindest things I've ever met, 
they guided me happily through the busy streets of life, 
Hopefully they will guide me again,

I push the hand off of me and then someone gently puts the hand back on my chest, 
weighing me back down in my bed. 
So I will never get up, 
I will drown in the duvet, 
the blanket will suffocate me, 
and I will die for the night,
Ready to start another day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

there for you

Eat salad it's good for you, Go on a walk twice a day, Listen to nonsense on TV, Ring samaritans, They there for you, Drink water it's good for you, See the sky twice a day, Listen to nonsense on a call too samaritans, Ring 111, 111 is there for you, Eat an apple it's good for you, Breathe the fresh air twice a day, Listen to nonsense on a call too 111, Go to your GP  your GP is there for you, Drink a smoothie it's good for you, Feel the trews twice a day, Listen to the nonsense of the GP, Go to A&E, A&E is there for you, Eat a pea it's good for you, Sit in the grass twice a day, Listen to the nonsense of the under trained mental health nurse,  Go to nobody, Nobody is there for you, Nobody can be, Nobody has the time nor money. 
Read more

life update

I feel a bit deppressed, Like please can I have a cardiac arrest, Like stuff me full of chocolate and sweets cuz hopefully at best it will keep me alive for another week, Maybe it's that time, Maybe it's that time to wear a dress fuck the rest of the world, Flip the desk, Behave like a nutcase, Shit all over the staircase, Steal someone's briefcase, I feel a bit dead like, Like am I a ghost in this house, Am I really as quiet as actual mouse, Surely they can hear the screams to douse me in petrol and set me alight, Surely they can see my inner inner fight, Like can they not see that my anxiety is like I'm on a first date night, You see I feel a bit anxious, Like the world is closing in on us, Bad things our gonna happen to us, Bad things that I can't control, Like the rolling and rolling out the cancer and disease, social expectations and the unease of spending money freely on what I need, You see I feel I can't get what I need, I can't g...
Read more

the mental crisis chair

This is the mental crisis chair, It's cold, It's brittle, It's hard, It's shit, This is the mental crisis chair, Heavy so I cant throw it, This is the mental crisis chair, Restraining my comfort, This is the mental crisis chair, It's cold, It's brittle, It's hard, It's shit, This is the mental crisis chair, Moulded with layers and layers of trauma, Scarred with blood and tears, This is the mental crisis chair, And this is where it sits 
Read more